Campus security now authorized to shoot illegal smokers in the neck with rubber bullets.
April Fools’! The content on this page is meant to be read as satire and in no way reflects the opinions of The Sandspur, its staff or Rollins College.
Taken merely as a suggestion (and that’s putting things lightly), the recent “change” on campus regarding smoking has seemed to have little to no impact on the regular going-ons at Rollins. With the establishment of gazebos and special pavilions designated to smokers, as well as the newest addition of signs plastered all over campus, information doesn’t seem to be the issue at curtailing said behavior. People KNOW that they can’t (and quite frankly shouldn’t) smoke in front of the Child Development Center, but unfortunately, they still do. Realizing that lung cancer in children due to secondhand smoke may be frowned upon, the administration of the college has retooled their tactics and is now focusing their efforts on enforcement.
As of April 1st, Campus Safety has been advised to treat any and all smokers not bound to their designated smoker quadrants as enemies to the college and to treat them as if they were arsonists or other vandals trying to disrupt the peace and/or defile the beauty and grandeur of the college visa-via destruction of private property. Said one female individual, with nicely coiffed hair and the word “Provost” written on her identification badge: “Who are you? And how did you get into my office?!” An unnamed Campus Security official said that they were now ordered to first warn trespassers with “mini arson sticks” that they were in violation of the smoking policy at Rollins and that if they did not comply, serious repercussions would be taken upon them. When asked what happens if they didn’t comply, he responded, “We shoot them in the throat with a rubber bullet. They’re probably gonna need a hole there anyways, might as well hit two birds with one stone.” I tried interviewing one of these rapscallions who dare disobey the sacred Rollins College Smoking Policy of 2013, yet he was (understandably) incapacitated and rushed to a nearby medical center, next to an establishment called “The Pita Pit.”
Only time will tell as to how effective these new measurements will be in curbing tobacco ingestion, especially in areas not sanctioned as acceptable for said activity. Yet it seems that if one wants to gauge the true pulse of the Rollins campus, who better to ask than the big man in charge of it all. When inquired on whether future policy would be enacted to stop the use of arguable more illegal narcotics, such as marijuana and cocaine, at Rollins, President Ducan responded, “I have much deeper sh*t to worry about at the moment.”
I think P. Dunc’s statement says it all.
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